Halfway down the Danube

Christmas Eve, 2008

Here's a Christmas story:

A long time ago in Russia there was a lady called Baboushka who lived in a little house deep in a forest. Even though she lived alone she spent all of her time sewing, cleaning and cooking, she was never lonely, but never saw many visitors.

She was amazed in the middle of one cold winter when the sky was full of snow to hear voices approaching through the forest. The voices came from three lost, hungry travellers who needed food and shelter. Baboushka invited them in, made them comfortable, built up a big fire to keep them warm and made them a lovely meal. The three men told her that they were searching for a baby prince but the star that was leading them was hidden by the snow storm. Baboushka told them that as soon as they had eaten and rested she would show them the way to the road.

Millions Now Living Will Never Learn

Many Americans and most non-Americans don't understand the pattern of religious belief in this country. But they often think they do. When that happens, they usually talk about American Puritanism. Witchhunts, prudery, et cetera.

In fact, the descendant sect of the Puritans, the Congregationalists (now part of the United Church of Christ), is today a liberal Protestant church. Social reformers, and before that, abolitionists.

And now a more ironic twist: our conservative media views the descendants of the Puritans as "too controversial" for television, because they're impolite enough to mention that they don't turn away homosexuals.

Which brings me to Ted Haggard.

Full disclosure: Haggard has set off my Straight Man's Gaydar for a while. Something about the fashion sense and the bigotry, or maybe it was cruising the Colorado Springs gay bars for converts? I forget. (On the other hand, I often Google random Republican apologist names -- e.g.: "Is Tucker Eskew gay?" -- just in case I've overlooked someone. Keeps 'em on their toes.)

Now, not all current evangelicals are raving queer-haters; and of the ones that are, I am sure there are one or two who aren't gay themselves. Franklin Graham, perhaps, who has other issues.

I had a point here to make, about how American religious discourse has been taken over by the spiritual descendants of the nineteenth-century American Protestant freakshow occult. But thinking about how Franklin Graham must trouble his father's heart, it just gets me down.

Millions Now Living Will Never Learn

Many Americans and most non-Americans don't understand the pattern of religious belief in this country. But they often think they do. When that happens, they usually talk about American Puritanism. Witchhunts, prudery, et cetera. In fact, the descendant sect of the Puritans, the Congregationalists (now part of the United Church of Christ), is today a liberal Protestant church. Social reformers, and before that, abolitionists. And now a more ironic twist: our conservative media views the descendants of the Puritans as "too controversial" for television, because they're impolite enough to mention that they don't turn away homosexuals. Which brings me to Ted Haggard. Full disclosure: Haggard has set off my Straight Man's Gaydar for a while. Something about the fashion sense and the bigotry, or maybe it was cruising the Colorado Springs gay bars for converts? I forget. (On the other hand, I often Google random Republican apologist names -- e.g.: "Is Tucker Eskew gay?" -- just in case I've overlooked someone. Keeps 'em on their toes.) Now, not all current evangelicals are raving queer-haters; and of the ones that are, I am sure there are one or two who aren't gay themselves. Franklin Graham, perhaps, who has other issues. I had a point here to make, about how American religious discourse has been taken over by the spiritual descendants of the nineteenth-century American Protestant freakshow occult. But thinking about how Franklin Graham must trouble his father's heart, it just gets me down.

Twenty-five touchdowns, twenty-two interceptions to go

From Packers.com eNews:

Ending months of rampant media speculation, Packers quarterback Brett Favre Tuesday confirmed his intention to play for the team this year. Of course, as Favre himself would say, he never had said that he wasn't planning a return to the field.

Make no mistake: Brett Favre is the Kwisatz Quarterback. He is the shortener of the gridiron way long prophecied by the Bene Facenda. He's also older than I am. And I'm halfway to the dirt nap. Thus, after weeks of patient forbearance, I must now celebrate and mourn simultaneously. (The Dune references are for K. Like the Onion crew never makes Dune references during Packer games.)

Twenty-five touchdowns, twenty-two interceptions to go

From Packers.com eNews:

Ending months of rampant media speculation, Packers quarterback Brett Favre Tuesday confirmed his intention to play for the team this year. Of course, as Favre himself would say, he never had said that he wasn't planning a return to the field.

Make no mistake: Brett Favre is the Kwisatz Quarterback. He is the shortener of the gridiron way long prophecied by the Bene Facenda.

He's also older than I am. And I'm halfway to the dirt nap.

Thus, after weeks of patient forbearance, I must now celebrate and mourn simultaneously.

(The Dune references are for K. Like the Onion crew never makes Dune references during Packer games.)

Where's your diglossia now?

Recent conversation on a new Bible translation:

K: "You got the Gullah Bible? Dude. What's it like?" Me (considers): "It's like a really twisted Lenny Bruce routine."

Here's a bit of Acts -- in Gullah, De Postle Dem -- chapter 13, verses 6 through 12.

Dey gone all de way cross de islant til dey come ta Paphos. And dey meet one root man dey wa name Bar-Jedus. E been a Jew dat call esef a prophet, bot e ain been fa true. Bar-Jedus beena stay longside de islant gobna. Dat gobna name Sergius Paulus, an e been a man wa hab sense. Now de gobna sen fa Barnabas an Saul, cause e been wahn fa yeh God wod. Bot de root man Elymas (dat be de Greek name fa Bar-Jedus), e gone ginst Barnabas an Saul. E try fa mek Gobna Sergius Paulus stop bleebe pon Jedus.

Where's your diglossia now?

Recent conversation on a new Bible translation:

K: "You got the Gullah Bible? Dude. What's it like?"

Me (considers): "It's like a really twisted Lenny Bruce routine."

Here's a bit of Acts -- in Gullah, De Postle Dem -- chapter 13, verses 6 through 12.

Dey gone all de way cross de islant til dey come ta Paphos. And dey meet one root man dey wa name Bar-Jedus. E been a Jew dat call esef a prophet, bot e ain been fa true. Bar-Jedus beena stay longside de islant gobna. Dat gobna name Sergius Paulus, an e been a man wa hab sense. Now de gobna sen fa Barnabas an Saul, cause e been wahn fa yeh God wod. Bot de root man Elymas (dat be de Greek name fa Bar-Jedus), e gone ginst Barnabas an Saul. E try fa mek Gobna Sergius Paulus stop bleebe pon Jedus.

Who would Jesus kill?

From the home office in Capernaum, Galilee, tonight's Top Ten: People Jesus Would Have Killed. That's right, Paul, Jesus. Who would Jesus have killed? Have had killed. Assassinated. Do you have assassinations in Canada, Paul? 10. The Pharisees 9. The Sadducees 8. Ungrateful lepers 7. That phony Simon Magus 6. Captain Kirk 5. Hecklers! 4. One of the twelve, that dips with Him in the dish 3. That guy who keeps on stealing His camel's parking space 2. He who casts the first stone with sin and the number one person Jesus would have had killed -- drum roll please, Anton...

The greatest story ever Vogued

Fellow Brooklynite Majikthise comments on an extremely cheesy apparition of Jesus in Frank Sinatra's hometown of Hoboken, New Jersey. Ring-a-ding-ding, pally! This, however, is not the cheesiest piece of religious kitsch I have seen lately. No, that no-prize has to go to the good people at Nelson Bibles. After market research indicated that the reason teenagers don't read the Bible is because "it's too big and freaky-looking", Nelson Bibles decided to repackage the Bible to resemble a fashion magazine. Honest. Here, take a look:

The truth must be told

You don't know what the world has come to if you haven't heard of the Unitarian Jihad yet. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ugh, says the Turk in me

I grew up in Turkey, did you know that? It's the secret Muslim in me -- or the respectful UU -- who cringes at this picture. Cringe is not too strong a word. It really upsets me. And if it upsets me, how will the effect of this behavior be on, oh, a Muslim? It's just basic respect for another culture and another religion. Is it really too much to ask for? Seems like.