Up at 6:00 this morning, a bit earlier than usual. Checked e-mail, canoodled on the web for fifteen minutes. Brewed a pot of coffee, started a fire in the wood stove. Woke Alan, got him set up with breakfast and such. Went outside and shoveled some snow.
After Alan went off to school (in the dark now), I sat down in the comfortable chair in front of the fire.
Jacob came down. Understand that Jacob has inherited two copies of the "slow wake up" gene. (David, none. David wakes up quickly easily every morning. Lack of sleep makes him manic and wacky but doesn't keep him longer in bed. Go figure.) So Jacob was sort of stumbling around, which is normal for him at this point in the morning. But the comfortable chair is comfortable, so I put out my arms and he staggered into them and curled up on my lap.
Three years old is a funny age. You can talk to them, but they're still toddlers. A younger child might have cried or demanded Mommy. An older one would have been more wiggly. Jacob just lay there, occasionally sighing a little, waking up a tiny bit at a time. We both watched the fire. Four minutes passed, then five, then six. Outside the world was covered with snow, and very slowly turning from darkness to grey.
I'm very underemployed right now. Still formally employed, and (thank goodness) keeping my benefits, but I'm only working part-time: a couple of weeks in Jordan, a couple of weeks in Burundi, and like that.
That worries me sometimes. Okay, it worries me a lot of the time. I'm on one bid for a long-term project, and working to get on others, and there's been a steady trickle of short-term stuff, but... these are not comfortable times to be a de facto freelancer. So, while it hasn't come up much on this blog, job anxiety is part of our lives these days, like a steady background hum.
That said... if I were working, I wouldn't have moments like these. I'd be dressing, thinking about my work, running out the door. I wouldn't be able to sit for long minutes in front of the fire with my little boy on my lap, looking at the flames and thinking about nothing in particular.
And that's all.