I'm going to spend eleven dollars on something I can experience just by calling a relative?
The Pure Product of America: That's because you're ahead of the curve! Not everyone has crazy foreign aunts who ask young teenagers if their body hair has grown in yet.
Oh God, don't remind me.
The Pure Product of America: You should get on the bandwagon! Awkwardness. Discomfort. Xenophobia. Andy Kaufman. Psychic surgery! You know about these things.
Elf-shot. Ancient Teutonic shamans would extract microliths, bits of flint from their victims' flesh. All sleight-of-hand. In the Philippines, they've upgraded it to chicken guts. That tumor is actually a gizzard.
The Pure Product of America: Don't change the subject. You could purge all that cultural ambivalence from your system. And get chicks!
What ambivalence? Believe me, it's not ambivalence. It's very very univalent.
Anyway. I've told Doug that he should at least see Borat's infamous Black Sea thong; but I suspect he's seen the non-ironic version already.